Love, like, lust, sparks, butterflies, connections, all of that shit. I was gonna say it sucks, but when it's right, it doesn't, so I'll refrain (for now, anyway). I'll also take it as yet another sign that what I'm feeling isn't right and I should just say fuck it, but, damn if I don't feel what I feel, regardless. I'm not even really sure how I got to this point; I just wish like hell that I wasn't here. At the same time, I don't wanna lose my spot, whatever that may be. Maybe I'm deluding myself by assuming I even have one, being arrogant by assuming I'm number two.
I'm driving myself crazy trying not to come off as crazy or say too much too soon because, despite my actions, my words, and my feelings, I do know better, and, in conjunction with my actions, words, and feelings, I don't want to scare the woman away. I know she likes me, but I don't assume she feels for me what I feel for her because (A) I'm not sure what it is I feel for her, and (B), in truth, we have no business feeling anything for each other right now. (C) Despite the fact that I am absolutely terrified of this situation as a whole, I continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and my feelings on my face. I would tell her anything she wanted or needed to know, but I don't believe that she would do the same for me. Everything is a vague answer, and I'm quickly losing my patience with reading between the lines. We could be on a completely different page, and I would never know 'til I put myself out there and end up getting my face cracked. My pride is protesting already. I feel like enough of a fool, as it is.
I know I probably should've kept my mouth shut, but I could not. That was the first line I crossed, and, because I refuse to put myself in the position to cross any more, I've gotten myself stuck somewhere in the very uncomfortable middle - between a rock and a hard place, as the cliche goes. The situation is wrong, the timing is wrong, the location is wrong, maybe the girl is wrong, maybe I'm wrong for her, but I feel the connection. So I let myself get caught up in the infatuation or whatever it is, then feel some type of way when I end up bumping my head against a wall, even though I already knew the blueprint going in. Red flag after red flag, I forged ahead in hopes of finding what I'm searching for, and the only person I have the right to be mad at is myself. I have no cause, no claim, no ownership of anything but my own wayward affections. What's the point of going 'hey, what about me' when I shouldn't even be here in the first place? A thief can't file a police report on stolen merchandise. I am not a victim here; I'm a villain. So imagine my shock at myself to feel stirrings of jealousy and other messy-ass emotions. What the fuck am I doing?
Behind every door, except maybe two (incoincidentally, the two most unlikely to be walked through), is an option - a very likely possibility or outcome - that leads to me getting hurt. I have too much scar tissue on my heart to be jumping headfirst into fucked up situations chasing my feelings.
As I type this, there's a war going on between my head and my heart, and I'm not sure who's on what side or what side is what. Step off and protect my heart and avoid the mess and rid myself of the distraction or forge on in the hopes of finding......what? Seems like such an easy decision to make, right?
So why can't I bring myself to fall back for good?
This situation sounds all too familiar. I found myself in the most similar situation and all the advice that can be offered is PROCEED WITH CAUTION. I am sure you are already well aware of this, but it must be said.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I learned from my progression is that the exact feelings stirring between the two of you now, is most likely the feeling she will be sharing with someone else down the road. An individual who allows such a situation to progress with you will ultimately allow it to progress between others. I find it doubtful you are the first - I find it unlikely you will be the last.....
The second group of words/advice I would like to offer is that you should not wait for someone to bestow their blessings on you. I don't know you, but I am certain you deserve more than what is being offered to you from her. If she harbored the same interest in you, as you seem to harbor for her - there should be no confusion. If you are her first choice, you should be her only choice - and it doesn't seem that she is choosing you.
Best wishes in either case.
@m2i - Trust me, everything you said has run through my head dozens of times in dozens of ways. Since I wrote this post, I've communicated with her, but my feelings are still there, and probably will be until we get a chance to fully resolve whatever this is, *if* there ever is a chance.
ReplyDeleteI knew going into to this that it was going to be a waiting game and that I wasn't her first priority, none of which I blame her for, and, if I could tell y'all all of the details, I don't think you would, either. I started it, and, in doing so, put her in an impossible position, which was wrong of me. I never should've said anything to begin with because she belongs to someone else, and I knew that from jump.
As far as me being the only one she's felt this way for, who knows? Of course, I would like to believe so, but it's not exactly something I'm in a position to fault her for if I'm not. I did realize that we were setting us up for failure if we ever do have a chance to do things the right way, regarding trust issues and all, if we allowed things to progress.
Do I deserve more than she can give at the moment? Sure. But, like I said, I knew going in how it was going to be. I guess I thought I could handle it. And, honestly, if I was her, I wouldn't choose me right now, either. Not that I would choose her gf, either, but I am far from the perfect or easy choice. Romantically, she should have the same reservations about me that I have about her.
Thanks for the best wishes.